Monday, April 20, 2009

Writers Shouldn't be Talkers- Fiction. Again, this NEVER Happened.

She was beastly.  Our meeting was the briefest kind of such, lasting only a minute or so, but I knew immediately... she was horrific.
Granted,  
I had been consuming whiskey, and was therefore no saint myself, but she... barely human.  Honestly.
So when her corpulent  struck my shoulder and she shrieked, "Watch it asshole!"
I didn't feel the least bit bad when I replied,
"Oh I'm sorry- did my stationary body run into your fat?  Maybe if you weren't so fat, you wouldn't be fucking slamming in to people in a crowded bar."

And turned back around to continue being ignored by my cousin and the bevy of attractive females surrounding him.  I hadn't even bothered to wait for the shock and surprise to register on her face, that's how very little I cared for her.  I caught the very first strains of my cousin's, "Oh I'm a pilot..." speech, when a heavy hand grabbed me by the arm and spun me around.
Under the whiskey induced circumstances, it took me a second to register that the man who had grabbed me wasn't at eye level.  Or anywhere near that- all five foot two of a barrel of a human stood before me with rage in his eyes.
"You just call my girl fat?"  he snarled.
"Depends- is that ponderous jar of lard over there your girlfriend?  If so, then yes- and before you launch into any diatribe regarding my comments- keep in mind... she is really really fat.  Now fuck off."

I sort of came to outside the bar as my cousin pressed a zip-lock bag of ice to my head.
"What the hell happened?"  I stuttered.
It took him a minute to respond between his guffaws as he answered, "You called some stupid bitch fat, told a midget to go fuck himself and got your ass kicked in a matter of about thirty seconds.  It was, hands down, the single most awesome thing I've seen in my life."

My eye was really throbbing.

"Damn, he got me good- did I at least get a few shots in?"

"No dude- you went down like Tower 2."

"Rats.  What happened to the midget?"

"Don't worry- I fucked him up."

Of course he did.  Fucking handsome pilot bailed his loudmouthed drunken cousin out again.
"Hey check it out-" My cousin pointed down the street toward the midget and the bovine walking away.

I couldn't help it.  I yelled out-
"Yeah, that's right- you keep waddling away!"